WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
