can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
