I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
