Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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