You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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