So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
