just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
