Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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