I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
