Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
