your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i out mim tonsoeep
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
