R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize