I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
