my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
