You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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