So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
