I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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