You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
