He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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