The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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