she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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