the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
