3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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