Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
