You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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