I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize