You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
