I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
