Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize