Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
