david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
