remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't deserve a penis
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
