I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You're a waste of cheezeits
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
