I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I need water and some morals
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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