I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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