God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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