you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
