i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
