we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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