In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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