You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
