She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize