I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
