just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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