I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
