Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize