did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
