I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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