Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
