i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
