He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My ATM looks so different sober.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
