A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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