I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
