If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
