Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
