I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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