here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
