Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
