The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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