coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
