The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You ruined the universe
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
