my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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