omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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