Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize